My heart is heavy, so I hope you don't mind me spilling some of my emotions onto you...
I got in my car this morning to go to work and I started listening to #14 on my David Crowder CD. The song is called Come Awake and it's one of my favorites. While I was listening to it, my whole body was overwhelmed with sadness because I remembered that just a year ago, my in-laws came to visit us. It was the last time that Todd and I saw Bob as Bob. He wasn't sick, he wasn't stick-skinny, he could carry on a normal conversation, he could walk without feeling tired or worn out, he was perfect.
I still remember coming home from work and watching him paint the trim in Grace's bedroom. He and Todd spent so many hours painting that room together. I remember staying up late watching "Deal or No Deal," going out to eat, seeing him sit in the pew at church while Todd and I practiced for the Easter drama. Who knew that 3 short months later he would be gone?
I miss him. I miss hearing him and Todd talk on the phone. I miss how our lives used to be with him here. I hate the fact that Grace will never really know her grandpa. I hate that we have to refer to him in past-tense. And just when I think I'm getting over it, I have days like today when I just want to cry. I have to try and put on a happy face at work, but I just want to cry. I want to just hold my little girl and my husband and just cry. I know it's not the end, I know he's where he's supposed to be, but it still doesn't take away the fact that deep down inside, I want him here. I just wish he was here.
I got in my car this morning to go to work and I started listening to #14 on my David Crowder CD. The song is called Come Awake and it's one of my favorites. While I was listening to it, my whole body was overwhelmed with sadness because I remembered that just a year ago, my in-laws came to visit us. It was the last time that Todd and I saw Bob as Bob. He wasn't sick, he wasn't stick-skinny, he could carry on a normal conversation, he could walk without feeling tired or worn out, he was perfect.
I still remember coming home from work and watching him paint the trim in Grace's bedroom. He and Todd spent so many hours painting that room together. I remember staying up late watching "Deal or No Deal," going out to eat, seeing him sit in the pew at church while Todd and I practiced for the Easter drama. Who knew that 3 short months later he would be gone?
I miss him. I miss hearing him and Todd talk on the phone. I miss how our lives used to be with him here. I hate the fact that Grace will never really know her grandpa. I hate that we have to refer to him in past-tense. And just when I think I'm getting over it, I have days like today when I just want to cry. I have to try and put on a happy face at work, but I just want to cry. I want to just hold my little girl and my husband and just cry. I know it's not the end, I know he's where he's supposed to be, but it still doesn't take away the fact that deep down inside, I want him here. I just wish he was here.
Are we left here on our own?
Can you feel when your last breath is gone?
Night is weighing heavy now.
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say,
Come awake,
From sleep, arise.
You were dead,
You’ve come alive.
Wake up wake up,
Open your eyes.
Climb from your grave,
Into the light.
Bring us back to life.
You are not the only one,
Who feels like the only one.
Night soon will be lifted friend;
Just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say,
Come awake,
From sleep, arise.
You were dead,
You’ve come alive.
Wake up wake up,
Open your eyes.
Climb from your grave,
Into the light.
Bring us back to life.
Rise, rise, rise, rise…
Shine, shine, Oh shine
We will shine.
We will rise.
We will shine, shine, shine.
6 comments:
I have never heard this song, but will search it out tonight. My heart aches with you. Although I did not know your father in law, I lost my Dad unexpectedly just 2 years ago this past weekend.
(I know your sister from IWU)
Praying for you guys as you continue to grieve.
Micah,
Not a day goes by that I don't feel the way you do now. Honestly, deep down inside, I wish he was here too. I keep listening for his voice, or waiting for him to scoop me up before we go to sleep. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I know that God is here. He will never leave. And when He calls us to come awake, we will ALL be there TOGETHER. I love you.
Jenny said I'd need kleenexes. What an understatement.
Every Sunday I think I hear him singing...maybe I do. I don't really know.
My boys and I go through these ups and downs, too. Luke aches so often. It's hard to know what to say. I'm so glad he got to hold Grace. I know it is "not enough" but those tender moments...him saying "she's a keeper" - it is so precious to think about.
How strong he was! And how weak I am! He faced death with such dignity and grace, and I can barely make it through some days. If only I was more like him...as strong...wise...gentle...loving.
A friend said that it takes a year to get through the cycle of grief and then after that it spirals...you still go through the cycle every year, but it gets "smaller" with each passing year. So I'm guessing when I'm 75, it just might be tolerable.
Love you guys and miss you EVERY DAY!
Give Gracie a high five, a kiss, and a tickle from me!
--Michelle
Know that Dad loves all of you so much. I say "loves" because I know that he lives on and his love never stopped. He is proud of each of you, of the love you have and share in Christ. He smiled thinking about your service to the Lord and how you use your talents to glorify Him.
You are witnesses. You are stronger than you think, wiser than you think, more gentle than you think. Each day brings challenges of its own. From day to day and moment to moment the Lord sustains us. We are sad and our sorrow sometimes seems unbearable. But, we rejoice knowing that the memories we have are good and that one day, by the grace of God, we will be together again.
Dad takes great pride in his grandchildren. The excitement he had when each was born showed in his face. Look back at the pictures and see his joy. Even holding Gracie, as ill as he was, you can tell how much love and joy he had. He prayed for them daily as he did you.
It's alright to go through the ups and downs. Our love continues as well. That will never change. But as you remember, hear his voice, see his face, ache to talk with him-know that you are not alone. We are in this together and Dad waits with our Heavenly Father to see us all.
"Come awake"...Praise the Lord!
God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
I love you all!
--Jenny
Man...I love your blog! I gotta ask what is the song title and who is it sung by? I didn't look too close for that info on the original page as I was to drawn by the lyrics.
Thanks for keeping us Indiana folk updated on you!
Todd you will appreciate this saying (old 3 muskateers song)
God Loves You and So Do I (G.L.Y.S.D.I.)
yeah...nevermind. I actually took the time from top to bottom! I'm a picture/visual guy...sorry!
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