Grace loves her play mat.
Even though I look terrified, I really do enjoy my bath. (For those of you who have witnessed bath time in the past, she has stopped screaming through her bath. Hallelujah!)
Well, we're still trying to get a handle on this colic stuff. Thanks to everyone who has given us advice on the subject. A lot of the problem was that she was getting really fussy during nursing. She was always screaming whenever it was time to eat, and she wasn't latching on at all. We went through this for a couple of weeks with no progress. I finally got a pump last Friday, so I've been trying to keep my milk supply up with that, but nothing has seemed to help. Grace wouldn't stay latched on long enough to get full, so we had to resort to bottles. Now she likes bottles so much that I think our nursing days are over. I've pretty much given up on it. How are you supposed to enjoy breastfeeding your child when all she does is cry? I'm not happy about it, but I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I've tried everything. So I guess I'll just try to keep pumping so that she's still getting breast milk, but I can't seem to pump enough.
I'm really upset about all of this. I just hate how all my expectations of being a mother have been flushed down the toilet. Now don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and I enjoy having her in my life, but I just don't understand why nothing seems to be working out for me. I just wish that things would've been different. I wish that I would've had a normal delivery, I wish that Todd never had to watch his father die, I wish that we could be a happy family with no worries. But reality stinks and life isn't always a bowl full of cherries. I just have to keep thinking that God has us in His hands and He knows what He's doing. I can't see the good in all this, but He does. Just keep praying for us, because every day has it's ups and downs. Whether it's dealing with this great loss or trying to be good parents, it's all so very overwhelming.
11 comments:
Micah,
Grace is beautiful!! I went through a similar thing with daughter #2 about 2 months ago. Sarah's problem was that she wasn't latching on properly so she wasn't getting enough and she was making me bleed and gave me a yeast infection on my breast. I pumped exclusively for six weeks and then it got too hard to pump in the evenings when Bobby was at work and I was by myself with both girls. Do it as long as you can and don't worry about it!! Any breast milk she can get is better than none. Try to pump more often. This will tell your body that it needs to produce more.
I completely understand your frustration. I didn't even think I would get my pump out until July, a month before going back to school, but I ended up getting it out in April when Sarah was less than 1 month old.
I was totally not expecting this because my first daughter, Rebekah was so good at nursing and even went back and forth between breast and bottle at 7 weeks when I went back to school. I only stopped at 4 months with her because we were having so many 2 hour delays in Ft Wayne and I had no time to pump on those days. I couldn't go all day without pumping!! It hurt too much.
I guess what I'm trying to say is hang in there, and if it becomes too much, switch to formula. Grace will be fine!! I will be praying for you!!
Paula (IWU alum, I was in chorale with you my Junior year, your freshman year, I think)
Oh Grace is just absolutely adorable!! She has grown a lot since you were here! I sure do wish we lived closer to you guys. After getting to see you, now we miss you like crazy all over again!
Micah your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that things have not gone the way you were expecting them too. You are a wonderful mother and Grace is soooo lucky to have you and Todd as her parents. You should not feel guilty about not breastfeeding. You did the best you could!! Breastfeeding is not easy that's for sure and feeding your baby formula does not make you a bad mom. I've been having trouble with Allie lately too. Sometimes she seems like she's not getting enough. And, on days I do pump, the feeding following when I pump is awful because I don't think my body produces enough. It's hard! By now I thought I would have lots saved up and I have none because when I do pump, we go somewhere right away and use it. So, who knows how long it's going to last for us too.
You continue to be in our prayers. We think about the 3 of you so much! If you ever want to call and chat or talk about your frustrations I'm always here. I would love to talk to an adult during the day :) If you want my # just email me.
Love you guys!!!
Yep, LIFE can be difficult and crazy! I know that for a FACT! I will be praying for you, Micah. Some days you just have to take it hour by hour...or in my case right now, minute by minute!
Keep enjoying that beauty!
JoEllen
Micah,
I found your website through the other IWU alums. (my husband and I graduated in 2003) You and your husband look very familiar and I think my husband Gene remembers Todd.
First of all, I am sorry for the loss that you two have experienced and my prayers will continue to be with you during this time of grieve.
Secondly, I want to say that Grace is beautiful and I love the name!! (wink wink... my first child's name is Grace too) Your Grace is so very precious!
I really wanted to let you know that I can relate with you on the nursing thing. Nursing has not been the easiest thing for me what so ever. (mastitis, Thrush, bleeding and so on ... especially with my first) You are truly doing the best that you can and please do not feel guilty. Like Paula said, just do what you can and if it becomes too much then please do not feel guilty! You have gave it your best shot!! Nursing can be so stressful especially if it doesn't go as easy as planned. (plus, you have so much other stress going on too) I pray that God gives you peace about the whole nursing thing no matter what happens! (I cried many nights over nursing and finally God gave me Peace to know that I made the right decision for me at that time)Everyone's experience is different and I believe that you are making the best decision for you and your baby at this moment!! You are a wonderful mom!! Things get easier!!
With love from another IWU alum and mother,
Annie Luidhardt
Micah, it is all okay!! And it is just going to get better and better. Take it one moment at a time. I think the first 8 weeks are the hardest. Yes, you love and adore your blessing, and she loves and adores you, but getting used to each other takes time. I just told a mom eariler this week that breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Jean Bean and I had our moments. But we made it thru, and then nursing Rusty has been night and day. He latched on perfectly in the first 15 minutes after birth and eats like champ with no problems. Your next baby will probably be completly different. I understand the let down of not having everything turn out just like you had pictured day after day for months even years!! Remember your wedding day--that you starting dreaming about when you were 5--every detail was set in stone by the time you were 8 and then the big day comes and not everything was EXACTLY how it was supposed to be. Then the next day you are off on a plane to Cancun and as you hold Todd's hand it is all forgotten because what really mattered was you two. That is all the matters now. Todd, Micah, and Grace. Whether or not you have to switch to formula won't matter the first time she smiles at you because she loves you--her mama. It saddens me that your every wish did not come true like you wanted, but tomorrow is another day full of wonderful blessings given to you by your Father just because you are you. You're Micah--his daughter--whom he loves very much. Wish I lived closer and we could be having this conversation over ice cream!!
Micah, It was so great talking to you yesterday. I looked up the La Leche League leader in your area. Her name is Nora and her number is (410)860-0890. If you still want to give it a shot please call her. If anything, maybe she could give you some answers as to why Grace is being so fussy.
I understand if you switch to formula. Our first three were on formula after 3 to 4 months and they all turned out okay. :)
We love you and know you're doing your best and that's all that matters.
Oh, Mic Sweetie, I wish I could hug you so badly! I read Mimi's comment to you and cried, so I'm betting you did too... I want to echo her thoughts... the first 8 weeks are the hardest! But soon you will see the fruits of your labor as Grace really starts to interact with you. She is looking so darn adorable in those pictures, keep them coming!
I have always known we were the perfect combination of friends, and breastfeeding is no exception. You can't seem to keep your supply up, and I am still soaking through shirts, 5 months into it! :) If we could only combine our milking powers we'd both come out about even! I can't imagine how frustrated you must be, but the most important thing is that Grace is getting enough nutrients, and whether that's from breastmilk or formula I know you won't starve her and she'll be just fine! You are so strong Mic, and although you might feel pretty discouraged at times, at the end of the day you still have a beautiful daughter, a husband that adores you, friends that miss and are praying for you, and a Father that has blessed you with all of it! You will get through this! And five years down the road we will laugh about it together! I love you honey.
My dearest Micah,
My baby, you are so blessed. You have the best friends and family in the whole world. These comments just made me cry. I wish I could be there with you, but this blog is a Godsend for encourgement, I am so glad we can write these wonderful words to lift you up. Don't let the devil tell you that you are a bad mom. If that were true, then there are lots of bad mothers out there. You are the Mother that I thought you would be, you love and cherish your beautiful little girl and you are doing the best you can. There are no super-human Mothers. Unforturenatly you have inherited the curse of the if only's, you get that from me and I got it from my Daddy. If only we had done this, or said this when in reality we had no control over any of it and only God has the power to change it so that he may get the glory out of all situations. Give baby Grace a little squeeze from her Grandma aka Meemaw(i hope she wants to call me that when she is older) and lots of kisses. She is so doggone cute in those pictures.
Love you, Mom
P.S. Give Todd kisses & hugs too!
Micah,
I am so sorry you are hurting and struggling right now. As hard as it is to attach to your sweet little bundle right now, I guarentee you that as the weeks and months go on, you will love her more and more, and more intensely because of the pain you are feeling right now. When I was born, I was in Grace's position... the baby born while a family was dealing with an incredibly painful loss..... and because of that, my family poured everything they had into me, and although at times they questioned how they could possibly go through one more thing, they looked at me and knew they had to, and eventually they wanted to. I hope this is all making sense. I guess it all came down to the fact that it took them time to realize they could love me, to totally invest themselves in me, to trust that I wasn't going anywhere.
As far as breastfeeding goes, well, I obviously have no advice there. LOL :) I will say that my two boys are very bonded to me, and disgustingly healthy, despite the fact that they were on formula from day one.
Also, I hear that as they get older, they interact more, and I'm sure this will help! Phil and I are the first to admit that we aren't "tiny baby people" and really enjoy the interaction of older infants. :) I bet it is so discouraging to have her crying all the time, and you are feeling powerless to stop it. ((Hugs))
You are a wonderful mother, don't let yourself get discouraged! I will be praying for you.
~Beth
OH my goodness! She is just too cute! I have printed the pictures TWICE and have a set for home and one set plastered all over my office, of course with all the grandson's pictures too.
Micah, you and Todd are great parents!
Love you,
Montana Mom, Teresa
:) :) )
Micah and Todd,
I have not talked to you guys in a reallly long time but I just had to respond to you.
First of all Grace is beautiful!! I just had my first child 3 months ago and went through feeling like I was not doing everything I could for my child because she was having trouble latching on, loosing too much weight and in turn not able to breast feed. I do know what you are feeling. I was only about to pump for about a month and it just became too much for me to do. You are both wonderful people and I know that God will bless you both. It WILL get better I promise. If you ever want to talk or need advice natalie has my number I would love to chat!!
Erin Weber (Inman)
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